I’m Just So Tired
It’s been a minute since my last post. I hope you guys have been well. And I hope you’re ready for some more explicit honesty. Surely that’s why you’ve came. I’m going to talk close to home today and tell you the dirt on my own self. You ready?
Here it goes: I. Am. Tired. I genuinely mean that. I normally want to speak super positively. Say I’m fine, move on. But at the core of who I am, I’m downright exhausted. I’m a young mother, married to someone who doesn’t even speak my language over half the time and has very different ways of dealing with his issues. I have a very small support system (it doesn’t exist), my body has been through absolute trauma with child birth and a major surgery back to back, I’ve lost 160lbs in 6 months, I work full time WITH MY CHILD, I’m in school to be a freaking pilot, and I just want to travel the world, explore everything, have my dream home, have 3 more kids, and be happy with my husband but it seems like it’s work work work and little play. Now before you roll your eyes, I KNOW that my life is insane. In 29 years, I have explored the world, lived in different countries, done some amazing things, met some tremendous people, and now I have a beautiful husband and a precious daughter. And how freaking cool is it gonna be when I can have the option to take a plane or a car to the beach? I know, it’s sick. I’m not COMPLAINING. but I am being real.
So many times, we don’t know how to process when we’ve added too much on our plates so we then push ourselves further into stress and do whatever we can to make ourselves look like a badass when we already were. You know what’s really real? Comparison is a freaking thief. I love watching reels for hours at a time too (you know, when I thought it was only five minutes) but you know what? I leave that scrolling session feeling not only unfulfilled, but almost embarrassed. That I didn’t hit another PR in the gym. That I didn’t finish whole30. That I am not in Santorini, Greece right now. That I didn’t go parasailing, or see the sunset over an ocean on an island somewhere. That I haven’t been to this country or that country. That I didn’t see my friends in months. That I don’t have people to watch my kid so I can go on a date with my husband. That my husband doesn’t say he loves me like I see on the reels or the Instagram posts. That I don’t have two kids by now. That I didn’t succeed in my business. That I haven’t finished my private pilots license by now. That I haven’t done this or this or that. God, it never ends.
When are we going to hit the side button on our phones for a minute and let the screen go black, take a deep breath in and be thankful? We are destroying ourselves by trying to keep up with the algorithms and the social pressure when all we were ever expected to do by our creator was to have life and have it abundantly… why can’t we just take a breath, slow down, and enjoy it for a second?!
Your three year old that has screamed all day and you just want them to go away for like 50 minutes so you can take a short nap, is the exact same baby you prayed diligently for. That husband who sasses you when you’re already overwhelmed is the same man that has been the answer to your prayer over and over again and a huge source of joy in your life. That job you hate on a random Tuesday is the exact job you hoped for 6 months ago when you had been looking for weeks on end not knowing how you were going to pay your bills, etc etc. My point is: the same things that are stressing you out right now are the same things you can be overwhelmingly thankful for, you just have to change your perspective.
If you grew up in church, let’s be real—all the sermons are the same so I know you’ve heard this illustration.. you may have someone on the ground trying to harm you, but if you go and get on a plane and you look out the window, that person gets smaller and smaller until you can’t even see them anymore. It’s true. If you are able to recalibrate your way of thinking, you’ll be able to manage that stress a little.
You may still be tired, Lord I am. I got hit back to back with fainting episodes, severe anemia, then a foot injury, then Covid, then some other issues, and I just now feel alive again. But if I slow down when my thirteen month old is acting a fool and I just take 2 minutes to get down on her level and play with her for a second, it makes a tremendous difference for both of us. She feels connected to me and doesn’t have to throw a tantrum anymore, and I remember how diligently I prayed to be able to conceive her and then we’re both able to move forward in that moment.
When my angry little brown man gets an attitude about something again, instead of blowing up and letting it turn into a big fight that will drag on for weeks, I realize that he is human too and has his own emotions. I then separate myself from his anger because usually I didn’t cause it, and I think of three things he has done in the last 24 hours that has really helped me. Talk about a game changer.
And one of the biggest things I’m learning is that when it feels like a huge ball of chaos is trapped inside me… I do something to bring me peace. I journal, or turn on some mantras, light some candles or incense, or I put some freaking Epsom salts in the tub and make myself sit in water so hot my skin almost melts off and I breathe, deeply. I think of things I can sense. I focus on sights, smells, feelings, tastes, sounds… I bring myself back to earth and quit pursuing chaos, and let myself feel peace.
And then I go to bed and I’m able to do it all over again the next day. Because reality is, we all get our moments. I’ll get my sunset in Santorini soon enough. I’ll have another kid when it’s time (but not too soon Lord), my business will grow when I’m able to invest in it, I’ll pass my checkride and be a pilot, we will buy our dream house, etc. and even if we don’t… I’m going to be so freaking thankful along the way and trust that everything I need will be provided when it needs to be.
So take a moment today, let that stress go. Sleep well. Breathe deep. Be thankful. Hug someone today if you can (but don’t be weird, maybe hug your partner or roommate and not someone on the street)
We’re all doing great and we don’t even have to post another reel to prove it.
Peace and love to you, my friend. Thanks for reading, and I wish great abundance to you! Until next time.
